The IslandSwamp

Several years ago I was employed at my local hospital as a food service worker. At the time, the job was a raise in pay for me and I hoped to move to another position at the hospital eventually.

Dealing with customers takes social skills. I’m not naturally good at social situations but I try my best. The nurses and doctors that I served all seemed to like me and I thought I was doing well.

The people who worked in the cafeteria with me were a different story. They begrudgingly accepted me, but I always felt like they didn’t really like me.

My suspicions were confirmed every time that I had a review. During the review I told my boss that the medical staff seemed to like me and that I thought I was getting along with my coworkers.

I don’t remember how she phrased it, but my boss told me that the other workers didn’t like working with me. I knew that I wasn’t part of the clique, but I hadn’t realized how unliked I was. My boss admitted that I was a nice person and she didn’t offer any concrete suggestions for how I might be able to do better. The review interview where my boss said this has bothered me ever since.

At the time I was getting this bad reception from my boss at work, I had not been told that I am autistic yet. I now know that the most likely reason that my direct coworkers didn’t like me was because allistic people often inherently dislike autistic people like me. I exist in the uncanny valley; I’m different enough from the average person that it’s off-putting.

Autism has affected my social life in negative ways my entire life. When I think about the troubles that my past romantic relationships have had, I now understand that most of those problems were caused by my undiagnosed autism. Specifically, things that my first girlfriend cited as reasons for breaking up with me I now know were caused by my neurodivergence. It sucks to have slipped through the cracks but I’m glad that I finally understand my disability. Because I’ve got better knowledge now I have been able to adjust my behavior accordingly.

The intense isolation that I’ve always experienced makes sense now. Still, I don’t really care about having a lot of friends. If I could find someone to love me for who I truly am, I’d be happy.

I was just looking at a picture of Steven Crowder lying on the floor while pretending his assistant is kneeling on his neck.

Meme aside, that image is from a segment of his show where Crowder’s assistant is “kneeling” on his neck to show us that George Floyd must have died of natural causes! Never mind that his assistant even said he wasn’t putting all his weight down. Also, when the assistant applied more weight , Sir Steaming Chowder made the gurgling noise of a dying man.

My impulse upon remembering this Crowder segment was anger. I thought some rather nasty thoughts about how Crowder would feel if he had suffered a similar tragedy as George Floyd (and many others).

Now, in my calmed down state, I’m a pacifist. I’m against the death penalty. I think war is a racket. I’m not religious at all, but I remember hearing something about turning the other cheek during Bible study. I always took that to mean that killing or hurting someone in retaliation is wrong.

At times like this, I’m often filled with a self righteous anger. I’m a rather large man, and the thought of physically standing up for someone getting bullied by a bigot will often make my fists curl into a ball. I have gotten in trouble because I made an angry reply to some MAGA chud on social media. It’s easy to justify my anger because these people are basically fucking Nazis. Most of them wouldn’t hesitate to hurt me if they thought they’d get away with it.

What about stuff like World War 2? Stopping Nazi Germany was important and I agree with American participation in that war. I think the key is that we all should legitimately desire to avoid violence at all costs. There should always be a reluctance to join or declare war. Avoid as many casualties as possible, military and civilian. We’re not even close to that though.

The only way to end war and lower crime is to create a world where everyone is guaranteed the basic life necessities. We don’t have to be violent, that’s why sports and casual sex were invented.

There’s a story in one of the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy books about an alien that gained immortality. In the story, the alien goes mad after a while. The reason given by the alien was that the boring nature of Sundays were what pushed him over the edge. I think that actually makes a lot of sense because even a normal, short life can be very boring at times.

I know that if I had to live forever feeling the way I’ve been feeling, I’d probably go insane too.

I seem to have lost the ability to relate to people. I don’t click with anyone at all. None of my old friends come around anymore, and I haven’t made any new friends in the time since. I’ve resorted to talking to my cat and shit.

Most of the time, I find solitude relaxing. But like anything else, too much time alone causes stress. I’m alone all the fucking time.

The only exception recently was when I was hanging out with a woman I met online. I was trying to turn the friendship into a relationship, but I can’t shake the feeling that she isn’t really into me. I think she’s just lonely too. Truthfully I don’t think we really have any chemistry at all. I had this woman over at my place overnight on two occasions and once she got into bed with me she immediately shut down and went to sleep. She sends me messages every day, but it’s always the type of small talk that I find insufferable. I don’t want another relationship with someone who’s not really into me. I want someone who I can relate to and have interesting conversations with.

I have been so depressed lately that I choke up and my eyes water like crazy. It’s an empty feeling, being this isolated. My family is fractured and I’ve become the weekend dad.

I don’t know what to do anymore

I try not to think about the things that are negative about my life because so many people have it so much worse than I do.

I’m a lot of fun, I swear.

Bold New Ideas

I don’t have any. Sorry.

For those wondering, I am available for parties. I don’t do anything, but I’ll show up for money, booze, or food.

That’s all folks. I don’t really have much to say right now. I’ve been in a real funk lately. Being funky is great, being in a funk, fucking sucks. I’m not sure why, although it could relate to the soul-crushing isolation I experience on a daily basis.

I exist in an uncanny valley between intelligence and white trash. I’m not quite close enough to either group to be accepted. I use technology as a buffer between myself and others. it’s somehow easier than having to talk to someone in person.

In the past few years I’ve become hyper-aware of how my autistic traits affect my life and that’s resulted in a social paralysis of sorts. I rarely engage in conversations anymore because it’s easier to just not participate. I can’t do anything wrong if I’m not doing anything at all.

I wish that I’d figured all of this out much sooner. I’ve finally figured out some shit but I am way past my prime.

The cruel things that were said to me over the years always come back to float around my subconscious. I’ve told myself not to put any weight behind those words, but I keep feeling like they were right. I am abnormal. I’m not just eccentric, I’ve got fucking autism and I can’t turn it off. I wish every day that I was normal, but it’s out of my control. It’s the loneliness of it that gets to me.

That’s enough shouting into the void for me today. Thank you, imaginary friend, god bless.

I heard this word for the first in my life – Anocracy

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anocracy